Tie me Up and Tell Me I'm Good

Saturday night Sir used these leather cuffs
to fasten [me] to....I forget what it’s called –
chain fall, I think? Which was new for
me, though I’d seen him use it many
times with Sassi. Standing like that,
blindfolded, it was odd in that I could
sort of move more than usual, and
yet not. It made me think about
how trees move.
Sir used all these different floggers on
me, and what felt like a cain. One of
them, which has this scary almost
rattling sound, turned out afterwards
to have been a new one, red and black
with beads all on the strands. I liked
it a lot; I didn’t “fly.” And I
sort of almost felt bad about that,
so I tried to avoid saying anything
about it, almost like when guys ask
after sex if I climaxed. I know that’s
sort of silly....I just felt I geusse
like I was supposed to and didn’t really.
Or maybe in a different way....I don’t
know.
It started and I liked it, liked how it
felt, and how restrained that way I
could sort of react to the blows without
really moving, or by moving but
without actually going anywhere. Then my hands sort
of felt odd, like cramping, which hurt
each time Sir stopped beating me, I kept
trying to push my hands further into the
cuffs or rearrange my arms but it
didn’t help a lot and I got annoyed
at myself for being so distracted
by such a small discomfort when the
whole point of my being there in the
first place was to be whipped.


Sir rubbed my hands, and told me I
was being a good girl. I hadn’t quite
realized until he said that, just how much I’d
missed hearing it. Several times he said
or asked if I wanted him to intensify it, and
I did, I so did. And then, a few minutes, or
at least what seemed like a few minutes
after the last time he asked me....I....had
been making noise though I was trying very
hard to be quiet I couldn’t quite
keep myself from gasping more than a
few times—anyways I sort of heard
myself gasp and thought something like—
oh shit, I don’t know that I can
take much more—and just as I was
thinking that, Sir stopped and let me
down. Interestingly, it never occured to
me what might have happened if he’d
continued, perhaps I couldn’t take much
more but I certainly wasn’t going anywhere.
So, Sir let me down and wrapped me in a
blanket and did the aftercare thing, and told
me I did well, which was so nice to
hear. Because the first thing I tried
to say, not very well, was to try to....
to apologize for whatever....I
remember sort of stumbling out “I was
afraid....I was afraid that ....” I
didn’t know how to explain how I was
so afraid I’d disapointed him by not
being able to go further. I was
just so incredibly frustrated at my own
lack of endurance.


02.28.00
12.05.03